Mixed Emotions

This pregnancy began and continues with mixed emotions. When we first took the pregnancy test, we promised each other that we would not read a positive result with only negative feelings. We felt guilty that these negative emotions were so strong. This was a life...shouldn't we be excited and overwhelmed with love for this little one?

Over the past week we have been sorting through these emotions. We've come to the conclusion that our sorrow, dread and disappointment are not directed at Baby at all. We are mourning the change of our plans and the suffering that will most likely come. This has eased our sense of guilt. We still delight in knowing God formed a life out of the two of us! We love the thought of a third child filling out our family, adding those character traits that only this little one could.

The one aspect of this yet to be figured out is how to bond with a child we may never know outside of the womb. We know the more we bond, the more sorrow and suffering we may endure. This is a reality we must face everytime we imagine that extra set of footprints sounding through our house, making imprints in the sand alongside Samuel and Josiah.

"My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:15-16. God knows and treasures this child even now, yet unformed. Whatever lays ahead for him does not deter the interaction He has now with His precious one.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11. Whatver lay ahead, I am called to love this life and trust that all the future holds can be used for eternal prosperity, hope and a future!

LORD, our Provider and Creator, please guide our hearts to treasure the life you have given this small child. Please help us not detach ourselves in order to protect our hearts. Help us to love with Your love, being willing to grieve and celebrate as You would bring forth.